Maybe it’s because it’s January, maybe it’s because many of us took a couple of weeks off over Christmas and New Year, but not everyone did and they are wondering why things have not been done. Maybe it’s because I’ve been poorly on and off over a few weeks. Today I realised that I feel a bit “rudderless”. Not that I don’t have rudders to steer, I do. But perhaps too many?
In one boat I was trying to keep a gentle touch on the rudder, but this week it feels like I’ve been pushed out of the way so that someone else can get on with steering that particular boat better than me. And seems they can, stuff is getting done, so it would seem to have been the best thing for the project as a whole. This is for a volunteering role, so part of me thinks “well fuck this” and wants to just let that go. But that feels wrong – I committed and it should not be up to one person unless they’re the boss. Anyway – I don’t handle people barging others out of the way, even if it does get things done. And it is that latter bit that tells me that actually my way is not the best way of things – gently trying to handle people doesn’t work. Barging in and being thoroughly bossy does. If I was to put myself first, I’d get out of that boat and let it sail on…
Another boat that I’m in has seen changes in which my immediate boss (who is also a good friend) has been moved sideways and we no longer have our daily Slack comms. I miss her terribly, even though of course she is still there, but I know she’s busy and I don’t know if I want to be in that boat anymore. The “trouble” is that it pays regularly – it’s a job, basically, and one that I was only doing to support my friend, but she doesn’t need that now, so I really should get out of that boat and into my own. The only reason I’m staying is for the £ but it’s holding me back from my own boat, so actually one of the worst things I could do. Time to jump ship…
And indeed – my own boat, my business – for that I get to grab the rudder now and then through the day and that is not good enough. I’m letting people down and this is the boat that is mine to sail to wherever I need or want to. That boat is floundering big time, quite frankly. Why am I allowing that, doing that? I need to bring it ashore, make repairs and then set sail again.
Writing this, it is more clear what I need to do for my own well-being, mental-health, long-term financial health and for my family. OK, so “more clear” ready “a bit bleedin’ obvious”.
As I’m writing this, my younger child is having their own crisis after a change to plans at short notice, due to go on a school trip but the noise is triggering their anxieties big time. And I’m questioning how I’m trying to support them – is my gentle way wrong, should I take a less soft approach, would that be better for them in the long run? I do need sufficient wiggle room to be on hand when needed for them, I know this. And it’s GCSEs year!
I don’t feel confident in anything I do right now. I’m not feeding my family good meals, in between the odd day of being able to cook a healthy-ish meal. I forget so very many things. I need to get a blood test sorted but there is no time and I forget. And basically I’m not coping at all, it seems, when I actually stop and have a good look.
It is obvious what I need to do. Get out of at least 2 boats. If I could be in only one, the one that supports my family by being a stay-at-home mum – but we really cannot afford that. Or we could, I suppose, but I’d go mad. Never mind that we are both 55 and still renting and worried about what on earth we’re going to do in another 10 years and beyond…
The thing is, I feel I should be able to do all these things. Other people manage it. And there’s the confidence flown. Except… I really don’t want to do go there. My black dog is not visiting, he’s keeping a lazy eye on me but this is not a depressive phase; he’s curled up and calm just now but it does feel a bit like I’m poking him with a stick! This is more like overwhelm and having taken on more than I can actually handle, more than most people could handle. Perhaps if my children were grown or did not have stuff that they need me to support them through, or if my husband did not work 16 hour days, or I did not have to top and tail each day with a lift to the station for him, or my spine worked properly, or I was 20 years younger, or or or…
Of course I know I need to give myself a break. And perhaps I do have to make a couple of difficult choices and put me and my family before everything else, even if that means less financial security to start with or even letting people down. I know this is the right answer, if there is such a thing. And I am grateful that I have choices – goodness, I am, and aware that I’m lucky to have them.
What I definitely need is to be talking this through with someone, or people – not blogging it! But nobody reads this anyway so… The writing of it all has been useful for me and will put it out there just in case it might, just might, help someone else somewhere…